As I have mentioned, my BFF of 15 years, will be married soon. 20 days from now, to be exact. She, like many women (most women?) will be taking her husband's name.
I was thrilled to hear that they got engaged, and I have enjoyed our simultaneous wedding planning and it is truly a special time and it's very exciting that we got to do it in synch. I do, however, hesitate when I think of her being Janna New-Last-Name and not Janna Original-Last-Name anymore. This is not because I don't think she should change it, or that I think his last name is unpleasant, or even that I think her first and middle names don't match his last name; it's really just because she will, at least on paper, be someone else.
Now, I know she won't change who she is and I don't think she is compromising her integrity in any way, but I know for myself, the quandary of possibly changing my name is something I have been mulling over for years and I continue to, with no solid resolve. If I believe nothing changes, then why the hesitation?
Growing up, my mother had her first husband's last name and I had(have) my father's. My parents were never married. I admit that, at times, I had the childhood longings for a "normal" family, a more nuclear unit, where everyone belonged to everyone and we all had a name in common. I also remember when my parents broke up, believing, in my 7 year old's heart, that had they been married they might have stayed together.
As an adult, I understand that such things are not so simple. I also believe that if I could feel this way, so could my child(ren).
I know that historically women were possessions and marriage contracts were all business, and that by taking his name, a transfer of ownership, from your father to your husband, was cemented. Does this mean that every woman who changes her name is "honouring" this unpleasant history and condoning it? I don't believe so. I think that whatever my choice is (and thankfully I have that choice)it will be reflective not of centuries of oppression (or railing against it) but of me, here, and now. I believe I could change my name and not lose anything. But what would I gain? A family name? Is that enough?
The leap from my name to Rob's is not a big one. They both start with L, both have 2 syllables and both are French. Not really much of a stretch. But still, it would be a new name! I have spent 27 years with the one I have, and frankly, not only am I used to it, but I like it. My first and middle names sound fine with his last name, it's not awkward, not ill-fitting, but still ... it's not mine.
I offered up the idea that he change his name to mine. He didn't bite. When I asked why not, his reply was "I like mine better". So why isn't it that simple for me? It's that history! Those centuries of ingrained "how-to".
Obviously, I have not decided. But I'd like to. Soon. Thoughts?
About Me
- My name is Sarah
- I have created Bridentity as a companion to the months leading up to my wedding and beyond. I am fascinated by the cultural implications of weddings, as well as the traditions, folklore, and expectations that come with being a bride and plan to explore the world of weddings here.
I too grew up in a house where my last name was different than that of my Mother, Step-Father, and younger sister. My Older sister and I shared our name, which is the same as our father. It was more annoying to me, having to correct people when they called my mom "Mrs. My-dad's-last-name". I will admit that my older sister was the black sheep so being the only one with the same last name with me was not a bonding factor. When she got married she changed her name. Now my sisters and I all have different last names. And yet because of time and maturity, we are all closer now. I don't even know how much a name means right now though. previous to April 1 all we knew about our past on my father's side, was that my grandfather was ditched by his dad and his mother died when he was young, but he had his original last name as he went from foster home to foster home and was never officially adopted. We just found out, however that his father's father, was not his biological father but had given him what is now our last name. I no longer know what it means to say "I am a (my last name here)". My first thought was that would make it easier to take Alex's name. But then the more I think about it, and after reading your post, I too am not so sure. So I am sure I didn't help but perhaps more to think about and weigh out? Sorry if I rambled...
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