As I have mentioned, my BFF of 15 years, will be married soon. 20 days from now, to be exact. She, like many women (most women?) will be taking her husband's name.
I was thrilled to hear that they got engaged, and I have enjoyed our simultaneous wedding planning and it is truly a special time and it's very exciting that we got to do it in synch. I do, however, hesitate when I think of her being Janna New-Last-Name and not Janna Original-Last-Name anymore. This is not because I don't think she should change it, or that I think his last name is unpleasant, or even that I think her first and middle names don't match his last name; it's really just because she will, at least on paper, be someone else.
Now, I know she won't change who she is and I don't think she is compromising her integrity in any way, but I know for myself, the quandary of possibly changing my name is something I have been mulling over for years and I continue to, with no solid resolve. If I believe nothing changes, then why the hesitation?
Growing up, my mother had her first husband's last name and I had(have) my father's. My parents were never married. I admit that, at times, I had the childhood longings for a "normal" family, a more nuclear unit, where everyone belonged to everyone and we all had a name in common. I also remember when my parents broke up, believing, in my 7 year old's heart, that had they been
married they might have stayed together.
As an adult, I understand that such things are not so simple. I also believe that if I could feel this way, so could my child(ren).
I know that historically women were possessions and marriage contracts were all business, and that by taking his name, a transfer of ownership, from your father to your husband, was cemented. Does this mean that every woman who changes her name is "honouring" this unpleasant history and condoning it? I don't believe so. I think that whatever my choice is (and thankfully I
have that choice)it will be reflective not of centuries of oppression (or railing against it) but of me, here, and now. I believe I could change my name and not lose anything. But what would I gain? A family name? Is that enough?
The leap from my name to Rob's is not a big one. They both start with L, both have 2 syllables and both are French. Not really much of a stretch. But still, it would be a new name! I have spent 27 years with the one I have, and frankly, not only am I used to it, but I like it. My first and middle names sound fine with his last name, it's not awkward, not ill-fitting, but still ... it's not mine.
I offered up the idea that he change his name to mine. He didn't bite. When I asked why not, his reply was "I like mine better". So why isn't it that simple for me? It's that history! Those centuries of ingrained "how-to".
Obviously, I have not decided. But I'd like to. Soon. Thoughts?
